I am so INTJ I can’t even count on my fingers and toes how many times I have fake laughed or smiled only to immediately turn away and return to my expressionless face.
I did this today on the way to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and felt nothing. It’s amazing how much of my day is spent wearing a mask.
If my life from this point on was a novel, this would be Chapter 1 and it would be titled, “Dropping Thousands of Dollars on Uncertainty”. Some days I think everyone else has this whole life thing figured out much better than I do. It feels like everyone in the world knows something I don’t know. I’m continuously meeting people who are younger than me, yet have their lives wrapped in a neat package with an intricate bow on top and a tag written in perfect calligraphy stating exactly what’s inside.
Everyone has a crazy backstory, a slew of ex friends and lovers, and a zany family who isn’t perfect but still manage to get by just fine.
Where are my stories? Who did I spend my time with? Why can’t I hold a one on one conversation with someone for more than a minute without them wanting to head for the door because I’m so incredibly dull?
I have this vision of what my life should be like, 5, 10, 20 years down the road but this vision doesn’t even remotely coincide with who I really am. How long can I pretend that I’m not the most reserved, introverted person in the universe before I actually breakdown and scream? I’m torn between wanting to change and just wanting to be this sick version of happy that is the comfort zone I’ve been in since graduating high school. I’m crawling out of my skin. Nothing feels right.
And yet, while the logical part of me knows that if I don’t like anyone I meet, I must certainly be the problem, my ego still tells me I’m just too good for them and maybe they are the ones who don’t “get it” after all.